Put The Fish Down

Put The Fish Down

Take a decent photo of yourself, no I don't mean use filters or AI just a photo where you are centre of the screen and in focus will do! We have lived with camera phones for many years now lads and selfies are not some new phenomenon, you can do it! Don't chop your head off in a photo, we will probably want to do that for you once we've read your bio. Don't pose with your children, I know you want to look like a good dad but using your child in your dating app profile picture is just a no. Don't have anyone else in your profile picture, it might be your sister, cousin or mum but to us it looks like your ex wife or your last Tinder date. Don’t make us play “Where’s Wally?” with a group shot. Great, you have friends. Which one are you? Don’t post a photo of your house, your car, a beach, a pizza, memes or anything else that isn’t actually you. 

Posing with your dog or cat is fine but you don't need multiple photos of said beloved pet on your profile. Some of you lads like fishing and that's ok but the photo with the fish? Yawn. Posing with an exotic animal to prove you have been to Africa or that you are not scared of crocodiles is unnecessary, we really are not that impressed, we are looking for a boyfriend not Tarzan buddy. That photo of you about to board a Ryanair flight? Congratulations, you can travel alone. So can most adults.

Bare chested holiday photo? Risky. Bare chested gym changing room or bathroom selfie. Absolutely not. Underpants photos, especially the ones where you’re tugging them down slightly at the front, just no. And please don’t hold your crotch like you’re auditioning for a low-budget rap video, you look like a moron. Also, what is with the mysterious “just legs” shot? I don’t need to see only your calves in the bath or at the gym. I assume you come with a torso. And stop trying to look sexy with those pouting lips you just look stupid.

Yes, you can have a beer in your hand in one photo. But if every picture looks like you’re midway through Oktoberfest, we start to wonder if your personality is just “lager.” And if there’s a spliff in every other photo, it stops looking rebellious and starts looking like a full-time hobby. We’re in our 50s, come on, grow up! It’s great to be upfront about sexual preferences, but we don’t need to see a photo of your selection of whips and handcuffs. You can mention this a few messages in if it's that important to you.

And finally, I know you were good looking 30 years ago. The photo proves it. But we’re in our 50s now. We have wrinkles, we sag a bit, get over it. It makes no difference how you looked as a 20-something. Those days are gone, my friend. And before anyone says it, yes, women do weird profile things too. This is just my week’s field research. We’re not looking for Tarzan. We’re looking for someone who knows how to hold a phone.

Sam Wilkinson